Yagga’s, Alex’s and Fafu’s BAI

Had been hearing horror stories about d world famous BAI in Pune for over a month now. Yup the same one who enters C-2, Vikas Co-op. Hsg. Soc. at 0830 hrs and all hell breaks loose. Two lazy asses are plucked out of bed and churned into action the minute she spanks their ass and mumbles in undecipherable marathi “ Aye uth re, kai zhopto”. (Get up you dumb%^&@, why are you sleeping?). I personally believe that Alex wakes up nice and early simply because he wants to escape this early morning alarm that cannot be snoozed away.

Ok...getting back to basics…this bull headed woman…bullish woman actually works at OM super market as a SECURITY GUARD at night and as a BAI through the day.

The first story that I heard about her was about the time when she bajaoed Yagga really hard on his back and ordered the guys to wear their windcheaters before venturing out into d rain soaked outdoors. Apparently they were standing in d balcony waiting for the rain to subside so that they could step out (not Step In you freak) and go to the boring classroom. Think she just hastened their learning process.

Soon enough Alex was declared 2 b in group#1 for the outbound and he left the two ripe lambs to the hungry lioness. To get the true picture try and imagine Fafu and Yagga
Praying to the Lord for mercy as they bade farewell to Alex…who was busy singing BSB songs with his ROCKing A Div friends. I am sure these two idiots were singing “ You are my fire, the one desire” in their hearts to Alex. The sole channel of communication that had linked them to her for all this while had been cut off. The umbilical cord had been removed and the babies were forced to step up to the plate.

Fresh spanking stories were relived when they would try adjusting their bruised asses on the not so comfy classroom chairs. Stories…that seem to border on folklore now…that talk about how these freaks could not understand anything that went on in their house for the next 2 days.

She would bark things which seemed like expletives and they’d wonder how they had screwed up. Then she’d burst out into laughter and they would do the same.

Laughing is the only thing they shared in common…she beamed at her own jokes… they at the fact that she was happy…at the fact that the world was more rosier now… at their fate which they were resigned to.

Few days passed.. their butts hardened and got used to the mauling.. consequently the cries that resounded in and around Shivaji Nagar toned down. The BAI had turned them into stronger men who could withstand any level of pain…a fact that became apparent when Yagga got into I-PAT… S-PAT would have been mad to think they could stress him out after everything that he goes through every morning…Alex got into Six Sigma and was happily breaking bricks with consummate ease until he got into J-PAT with Fafu... Jatin got into Six Sigma too.. the one nemesis she couldn’t break down.

9th July, 2005
2230 hours:

The daily meeting of Alchoholics Com is in progress at Apache’s on a cloudy Saturday night. Fafu is leaving for Chennai… apparently for business purposes… methinks it’s to check with a world famous butt specialist down south. The registered members retired to the haunted house for another round of drinks later on. We all sang, drank, made merry and waited with bated breath for the bewitching hour to strike us down with all its ferocity.

Yours truly left for football practice by 0600 hrs but got details of what transpired. I suppose this is how it all played out: (with little masala mirchi thrown in for literary purposes)

10th July, 2005
0815 hours:

Lightening strikes, the earth shivers as the seemingly T-REX like being makes her way to the smaller beings who rank much lower in the food chain and have proved to be easy meals in the past. Meanwhile.. the alchohlics sleep peacefully.. oblivious to the danger that fast approaches them.

She opens the door to the flat.. glass shatters as Stone Cold’s music can be heard in the background. First in sight mussve been Yagga... one whack and he must have sat upright in his rum soaked bed (thanks to me)… next target Alex… sly rascal must have woken up by now… she moves up into the room to whack blackboy (how could she have thought Jatin was Fafu?)

Strike#1..Strike#2..Strike#3.. you are out of here!!!!

Alex steps out of the loo to hear wailing cries and howling. He thought Jatin had been christened but what he sees totally spellbounds him. The BAI… the one insurmountable peak is crumbling into bits.. she’s bent over Jatin.. howling… pleading almost… to wake him up.

Alex- the knight in shining armour… zips his pant shut and comes to her rescue. He tells her that she is pitted against the new age Kumkaran and not the pushover that Fafu is. To prove his point he shows her all the 50 Cents, Snoop Dog, Sean Paul, Daler Mehendi et all posters that are plastered in Fafu’s part of the room. She’s convinced and her belief is strengthened when she closely monitors Jatin. The Steelers cap, Laker’s jersey, Spalding shorts and every other shiny bit which only says bling bling.

She’s happy that her Fafu hasn’t abandoned rock… happy that the house of rock she visits everyday is still the same at heart… happy that Fafu shall come back one day and the posters shall come down.

3 days go by… Fafu is woken up not by a spank but a warm hug by the BAI who sings classic rock herself-“ you are my fire, the one desire”. He faints.

Few days pass by.. we all sit at the House of Rock which is threatening to turn into Jatin’s Hip Hop Hub. He’s singing Songs About Jane (not really you rock stud). He’s singing Punjabi folk songs and thinks he can fool us by saying “paranthe” when he forgets lyrics. Hungry bunnies that we are.. we decide to go to Chaitanya. Alex, Jatin and Fafu leave in the first rick that chugs along.

As I and Yagga wait for an auto his BAI crosses over and says “kai re, kai kartos”(what man, what u doing?). Yagga nods his head from east to west as though he connected with everything that she said. She gives a toothless grin and walks away.

I look at her going away with an umbrella clutched in her left hand. Her gait is similar to that of a sumo wrestler. The umbrella is akin to a baton.. ready to knock down the fool who would dare to engage her in physical combat. Don’t think there are many such fools around—she’s not the type you would want to meet in a dark alley at night.

3-4 days go by and Saturday is here again. Another hectic week of Gaand Maru assignments has passed by.. Phew ! We all assemble as per the pre determined calendar of Alchoholics.com @HR (House of Rock). Seems like there are a few new members who have registered by paying the requisite fees of their own booze. Most of the new fellas leave before the dozing hour and the usual culprits stay over.

It’s a tequila sunrise. I am awakened by laughter which comes from Fafu’s side of the room. I wake up and turn around in bed to see Pinky, Alex, Fafu and Jatin ( Jatin?? Is it 4 p.m already) smiling while they watch Alex’s lappie. On the left is the Tooth Fairy… smiling along. I am stunned but too sleepy to wake up. I mumble something in English so that she doesn’t get offended and doze off again.

I have no clue as to how much time passed but am awakened a little while later. This time its Fafu alone with the BAI. The others are gone. Fafu seems scared. I fear for my life wondering as to how she ate them all.

He asks me whether I can understand her. I commit the biggest mistake of my life. I make Eye Contact with her. She points towards the bottles and ciggies next to Yagga’s bed and mumbles something. I nod my head. Stuck now Goddammit… Fafu you sly little $#%$^. She seems to be referring to last night’s marathon drinking session and whether skinny boy Yagga had any role in it. I say YESSS!!! and shift the focus to him.

She goes over to him and wakes him up the way only she can. Wham! Boom! Kaboom! In two minutes Yagga’s life comes crashing down as he is face to face with the BAI. Fafu and I give out an evil laughter… copying her everytime she does so… happy that it’s not us who’s under fire.

She’s going on and on about him being super skinny.. thereby unable to take in large doses of alchohol. She rants about giving up smoking and drinking. Reminds us that we are students and must involve ourselves in activities of academic nature. Think she repeats herself umpteen times over. Yagga keeps nodding his head patiently… too stricken to react to anything this early in the morning… least of all her. Given a choice I think he wouldn’t mind attending an MTM double lecture instead of going through this.

The ordeal comes to an end when she shuts the door behind her while leaving. We all go back to our sweet dreams and it’s a beautiful day once again.